Lock 'Em All Up (Coffee and PC: The Best Bits 4)

I can't remember when or why I wrote this, but it worrying seems just as apt today. Names have been changed below to bring us up to date with changes in government personal. Oddly, it makes no difference to the piece. Make of that what you will. *****

The Sun: FURY AS POTENTIAL CRIMINALS WALK OUR STREETS

Victims of crime were OUTRAGED yesterday after new research revealed there are people walking the streets who COULD commit crimes.

New police statistics show a quarter of the population are likely to commit a crime at some point in their lives - and the government has done NOTHING to stop this.

A police source told us: "We know that people have the potential to commit crimes and these figures confirm it.

"We've been trying to tell the government for ages the should take action and lock up these would-be monsters before it's too late.

"We'll have to build new prisons to lock up a quarter of the population before they can commit these crimes - but it's a small price to pay for our safety."

Nikki Nikkison, 21 (32DD), from Croydon had her mobile phone stolen last month and is FURIOUS at the news.

"I'm furious," the buxom blonde told The Sun. "I'd only had twenty double vodkas and left my bag on the bar when I went to the loo - and next thing I know it'd gone.

"It's really frightening to think that there are people out there who could commit crimes."

Well today the Sun vows to make the streets safer for people like Nikki as we launch our 'Lock 'em all up' campaign.

We have to act now and lock up 25% of our population to safeguard our childrens' FUTURE.

It makes no sense to leave these beasts free to roam our streets - and the police should be allowed to LOCK UP whichever 25% they like.

Another police source told us: "If we act now and remove people we may just make our streets safe.

"We've already identified groups of people we think pose a risk.

"Primarily we'd aim to lock up all asylum seekers, blacks, poofs, people with funny sounding names, everybody who opposed the Iraq War, pro-Europeans and Liberal Democrats.

"After all, would you want your children to be alive in the knowledge French people and Mark Oaten could speak to them?"

But amazingly the government is still DITHERING when it comes to locking the population up.

When pressed Prime Minister Gordon Brown said: "There is some merit in the idea, but we've got to look at the facts carefully and see if we could lock up, say, one fifth arbitrarily instead and see if that would suffice."

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith also refused to commit to our campaign, but promised tough new measures.

"There are people who should be locked up," he told The Sun. "But we're still working out which ones those are."

"But if I - or any other minister - sees a criminal, potential or otherwise, new legislation will enable us to punch the f*****s in the face very hard."

But while the government DILLY-DALLIES, David Cameron signed up for our campaign and promised to END the OUTRAGE.

"When I'm Prime Minister my first act will be to lock up a quarter of the population," the Tory leader pledged.

"Everyone knows the police and statistics don't lie and when you put the two together you get a double non-lie.

"Sadly the government shows no sign of taking a hard line on this and somebody, somewhere could be committing a crime right now because of it.

"If you're not in the twenty-five per cent we'd lock up then you have nothing to fear.

And before leaving to catch his ultra-green bandwagon, Cameron proved he was HARDER than the Prime Minister on crime by personally disemboweling a five-year-old immigrant caught STEALING a lemon.

Had we not stopped this monster today there's no doubt he would have grown up to be a SMACK-ADDLED PAEDOPHILE.

Take part in our exclusive Sun Poll and tell us what YOU think. Are you happy that people who haven't yet committed a crime are free to walk the streets? 1. They should be all locked up 2. We should bring them to justice as quickly as possible.