Damn those French. Lolly clearly knows I can't resist the opportunity to make a playlist, so tagged me in a Valentine's Day playlist meme using the We7 site. Now, let's get one thing clear from the start here. I'm not a particularly big fan of Valentine's Day. Usually I try and ignore it or, failing that, despise it. If I'm feeling particularly perky, I'll head out and play singleton's bingo.
The rules are thus. Go to a godawful nightclub that will have no shortage of desperate single people. Take a friend. Get a drink and a good vantage point. Survey the romantic apocalypse about to be unleashed below and match up exactly which people will end up with the most inappropriate partners by the end of the night.
It's quite fun, largely because you realise that no matter how lonely, and probably pointless, your existence is on this particular day, at least you're not one of those below, desperately trying to cop off with somebody, anybody, in an effort to validate your own attractiveness for the night.
Really, it'll be easier for all concerned if they just locked all single people in separate rooms with some porn and a box of kleenex for the night on February 14th. At least you wouldn't have to spend as much to achieve the sense of shame and inadequacy going out on Valentine's is guaranteed to bring.
So, having established my feelings towards this coming Saturday, the choice of tracks for my playlist are perhaps somewhat unsurprising.
And because I am, essentially, a walking High Fidelity cliche, here's a running commentary with the tracklisting.
1. Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau - Aled Jones
I started off in a surprisingly positive frame of mind. Casting for a link to start the playlist was obvious: Wales play England in the Six Nations on Valentine's Day and hopefully we'll give Martin Johnson's men a damn good hiding. The Welsh national anthem, then, was a given. However, they didn't have any proper versions, just a piss poor attempt by Aled Jones. This somewhat sets the tone for the rest of the playlist - something you love utterly bastardised.
2. International Velvet - Catatonia
I'm still on the loving Wales theme at this stage. Every day when I wake up, I thank the lord I'm Welsh. Very self-absorbed. Very Valentine's Day.
3. Hermann Loves Pauline - Super Furry Animals
So, now we're still with the Welsh, but crossing into a genuine love story here - the love story of Einstein's parents. Includes lines about Marie Curie dying from radiation. Perfect wooing material.
4. You're The One For Me Fatty - Morrissey
As if I need an excuse to put Morrissey in this playlist. Still with the slightly dubious kind of life.
5. Your Mother's Got a Penis - Goldie Lookin' Chain
And with this we move from the dubious to the very wrong kind of love. And we're back with the Welsh as well.
6. Ladies of the World - Flight of the Conchords
Continuing the transsexual theme here, this moves beyond Wales and takes the love out to the whole world. It doesn't matter what type of woman you are, Brett and Jermaine just want to give you loving. Us men aren't fussy like that.
7. When Did You Stop Loving Me, When Did I Stop Loving You - Marvin Gaye
At this stage I was torn between going into a genuine love playlist with Let's Get It On, or go for a more miserable angle with the above track. A no brainer in the end - this is probably the most bitter, yet seductive, break-up song ever written.
8. Caught Out There - Kelis
Where bitterness gives way to pure anger. Nobody wins.
9. There's a Guy Works Down The Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis - Kirsty MacColl
I wanted to put England 2 Columbia 0 in here but We7 didn't have it and it wasn't on my computer either, so I'll have to settle for "he's a liar and I'm not sure about you." The next track would have been Ian Dury, but they didn't have any of that either.
10. Babies - Pulp
A lovely little tale about sleeping with a girl's sister, only to discover you fancy the other one all along. Deceit moves into just plain male uselessness.
11. Where The Wild Roses Grow - Nick Cave & Kylie Minogue
And all that pent out anger has to come out somewhere. Namely murder. Obviously, by this stage, Nick Cave had to feature somewhere and this was the lazy, yet appropriate, choice.
12. Valentine - Richard Hawley
I mellowed by this stage and put a genuinely nice track in. Other than the fact that Richard doesn't need any Valentine or roses, but a cuddle. Which suits me just fine. See, Richard Hawley's music can turn even an hardened cynic a little bit slushy.
13. Vincent - Don Maclean
All good things must come to an end, and what better way to finish this play list than with this tragic tale from Don? Reminds me somewhat of Romeo and Juliet, and I know plenty of people who've told me that play is the best love story ever written. I never like to point out at that stage that exactly how it ends.
If you missed the earlier link to this playlist, it's here.